Did I ever tell you
by MonsterV
Summary: "Did I ever tell you about this one time...?" Collection of Keith and Ellis and their past misadventures. Mostly going to be short chapters. Rated T to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

Main event: Battling with the shower.

POV: Ellis

Time period: Just over four years before the outbreak. Ellis was 19, Keith was 20.

* * *

Did I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith was in the shower, getting ready for a job interview and somehow a snake dropped in through the bathroom window? It was pissed off and I guess the water was too hot so he headed toward Keith's feet. Keith got scared and jumped into the air and hit his head really hard on the showerhead. It broke off and sprayed him in the face with hot water and in his blind state he stumbled backward and grabbed the curtain for support. It didn't hold up and he fell out on the floor, and when he ripped the curtain down, the shower bar came down with it and knocked him upside the face. I came running in because I thougth someone broke in and there's Keith, on the floor of a ruined bathroom, naked and bleeding out of two head wounds. Snake bit his foot too. Luckily it wasn't a poison one.

I didn't have a car at the time and since he was knocked out, I thought I should take him to the hospital. I guess I looked real suspicious lugging a naked man through the grass, trying to load him onto the four-wheeler. The cops showed up and asked me what the hell I was doing. I explained the situation and they left me alone but wouldn't take Keith to the hospital in their car because he didn't have clothes on. They were asking me, "Why didn't you put some drawers on this kid?" And I was in a panic so I answered, "Because I'm not his goddamn mama." I woke up with a broken nose an hour later, on the back of the four-wheeler, while Keith was speeding throught he woods. See, he woke up and found me passed out and tried to take me to the hospital, but with a head injury, he got lost.

Keith was still completely nude at the time, and we ended up coming across a whole bunch of people campin out, and they found the whole thing hilarious. They were all laughing and takin pictures. I gave Keith my pants since I had underwear underneath and we felt really embarrassed so we just went home.

...Wow, this is one of the first times I ever got to finish a story. Thank all y'all for listenin.

* * *

_(*Note: I take prompts, so if you have any particular way you guys want this man to get injured, PM or review)_


	2. Chapter 2

Main event: Ellis' first time smoking a jay.

POV: Keith

Time period: Sophomore year of high school.

* * *

This one time, I talked Ellis into smoking weed with me at the bus stop before school. At first he didn't want to, but he gave in when I started makin fun of him. We were there a good 20 minutes just havin a good old time before the bus showed up. Everything seemed fine until we went to English class. We all had to read the same book and this one kid was readin a passage that said, 'Steady as she blows' about some sailin thing.

Well, me and Ellis didn't think about it as a sailin thing. As soon as that girl read it, we both started laughin. At first it was just a chuckle but then it didn't stop and before long we were both laughing so hard we couldn't breathe and Ellis was rolled up in a ball on the floor holdin his stomach because laughing started to hurt.

The teacher got real mad and yelled at us and then went on to have a complete nervous breakdown. Come to think, I kinda feel bad about that one. Our teacher was goin through some things. His wife just left him for her prison penpal, his daughter got knocked up by my cousin, and he was gonna lose his house. Poor guy. We were such dicks. I mean all that stuff wasn't our fault but I guess that guy's cheese could only stay on his cracker for so long and that day was the end of his grasp. We just gave him a shove toward losing it.


	3. Chapter 3

Main event: Being bit by a possum

POV: Ellis

Time period: Not long after the shower battle. Maybe 6 months later.

* * *

Did I ever tell you guys about the time that Keith got bit by a possum?

This wasn't too long after his first 3rd degree burn incident. The scabs were all gone but he was still a little pink, so we were just messin around in the woods and trying to take it easy. I can't remember what we were up to originally, but we came across a possum layin on the ground. It wasn't moving so Keith went to check it out. I was pretty sure it just did one of its possum fainting tricks but Keith thought it was dead.

I said, "Careful man, just in case it aint dead" and no sooner after I said it BAM, the thing latches onto his forearm. He's jerking around tryin to get it to let go, and the more he pulls, the more his skin tears open cause its still real thin and sensitive from the burns. He's yellin at me to get it off and I don't want to get bit too. Since its summer and I don't have a jacket, I take off my shirt and wrap it around the possum so that it can't move and use a stick to wedge its mouth open.

The wound is real bad, bleeding everywhere and I tell him we need to go to the hospital and get a rabies test on the possum. He says fine and we start walkin toward town again. He asks me how they test for rabies and I told him the truth.

I was like, "well, they euthanize the animal and then open the brain up and test on it."

Keith stops dead in his tracks and just says, "Let the possum go, Ellis."

I say, "But its the only way to be sure. If you don't get the possum tested, you're gonna have to get rabies treatment anyway and you don't wanna do that unless you have to."

He insists, tells me to leave the possum alone, says "Its my fault the possum bit me. I don't want them to kill it because I'm an idiot. I'll just get the damn treatment but let the damn possum go."

I tried to tell him that the treatment wasn't cheap but he wouldn't listen.

So I did what he said, and went with him to the hospital. He needed stitches to close the wound and lo and behold, he needed to get the rabies treatment 'just in case' because he said that the possum bit him and then got away.

He had to get four of those intramuscular shots over a 2 week period. Then another shot right by the bite before they closed it up. Luckily our work had pretty good health insurance...didn't cover all of it though.


	4. Chapter 4

Main event: Keith has an "accident"

POV: Ellis

Time frame: In the 1990s, when Keith and Ellis were in the 5th grade.

* * *

Did I ever tell you about the time that Keith had a run in with the bus driver? He'd had the flu and spent a week out of school and wasn't able to keep fluids down. By the time he got better, he was really dehydrated. So he decided that he needed to spend all day at school rehydrating, but he chose to do it with apple drink instead of water. He drank a whole two liter bottle of it and by the time we were on the bus going home, he was really startin to feel the effect.

See that specific brand of apple drink came from Mexico and he wasn't used to it, so he looks over at me with like five miles to his house and he was like, "Ellis, I gotta crap."

Of course I didn't know what to do so I was gonna ask the bus driver to pull over but Keith got all embarrassed and told me not to. He was gonna try to just play it cool for the rest of the trip but I think we both knew he wasn't gonna make it that long. He was startin to panic and I was startin to scoot toward the aisle.

He looks over at me and says, "El, if you let me use your backpack as a toilet, I promise I will buy you a new one." He was serious but I laughed at him and said no. I was like, "Buddy, my homework is in there. I don't think Ms. Wells is gonna excuse me just because I have crap on everything." Eventually I just told him to get off at my bus stop with me because my house was closer.

He managed to hang on that long and when we got outside, the bus driver was like, "Keith this isn't your stop" but there's no way Keith is gonna get back on the bus. He makes a break for it and the bus driver panics.

But when he panicked, he let his foot up off the foot break just for a split second and ran Keith's foot over. I don't know why he was runnin away so damn close to the edge of the bus, but that was the last straw.

Long story short, I had to crutch a person that smelled like human waste all the way home. In summer. Keith's dad thought I was the greatest person to ever live. He was like, "I woulda left him, in all honesty."

BUT there is a silver lining to this story. The school district had to give Keith's family a bunch of money because of all the broken bones in his foot. That settlement lasted a long time and only me and Keith and his family knew anything about the grossness of that accident.


	5. Chapter 5

Main event: Playing Twister

POV: Ellis

Time period: Senior year of high school.

* * *

One time, me and Keith were at a shindig that his brother Paul put together. Everyone was having a real good time and someone suggested that we all play Twister. I was completely game because there was some real cute girls there and I was hoping for an ice breaker to give me some guts to talk to them.

Well, that whole plan backfired bad. I was doin pretty good at the game, and we all had this friend. He was a big black guy named Ray Ray. Guy was built like a football player, real cool guy. Well, I got the worst "right foot red" of my life and ended up in the prison position with Ray Ray behind me (if you catch my drift). I was super embarrassed, and everyone was laughin. Instead of helping me out of this awkward situation in any way, that jerk Keith was over there recording it on Paul's camera.

The cute girls didn't talk to me either, aside from just laughing and tellin me how funny that was. But this cloud had a silver lining. I did end up going out with the girl that won Twister that evening. At first she thought I was a dork, but then we went out for almost a year.

Actually, that wasn't a silver lining story at all...that same girl dumped me when she went to college...community college. It wasn't even far away. I mean she still lived with her parents and everything. Ended up 'findin herself' and getting surgery to turn her into a man. Goes by the name Tom now.

Huh, my life's journey has been real weird.


	6. Chapter 6

Time frame: Middle school, 7th grade

POV: Ellis

Main event: Keith finds something disturbing in the couch cushions.

* * *

Did I ever tell you about the time Keith managed to trip over the coffee table and knock himself out? See, we were at his house because my mom was on a date with the mail man and we were watching TV. It was summer time and the ice cream truck was making its last rounds for the day and we heard that catchy ice cream truck music getting closer. So we were lookin around for spare change. I had a leftover dollar in my pocket from God knows when, but that wasn't enough to get anything but a cough syrup popsicle. So we were lookin as fast as we could go.

Keith reached into the couch cushion and he came up with two quarters. He got excited and reached into the other one but this time he didn't pull out no money. He pulled out a thing that, at the time, we thought was some kind of sculpture. It was shaped like a giant round bullet...more like a spade like in the card game. It was painted up like a mushroom on the Super Mario game.

Keith was like, "what's this?" and started lookin it over. But then it started to buzz and then it dawned on me. I knew what that was, a butt plug. A vibrating butt plug and the only one it could have belonged to was Keith's one sister Mindy, who was living at home.

I think when it started to vibrate, Keith kind of had an idea about what it was. I don't think he knew for sure yet, but his face got real weird, like he thought maybe he should not have this in his hand. He looks at me and I'm like, "That's a thing your sister puts up her butt."

Well, he flipped out and was yellin, "GROSS! DUDE HELP! WHAT DO I DO?!"

I just told him to put it down, and when he did it was vibratin by his foot and he jumped away from it and fell over the coffee table. It was glass, so when he fell over it, it tipped and broke all over the place. When he hit the floor, he smashed his nose on the hard wood and went unconscious for a while. I didn't know what to do, and the ice cream man was gonna drive away.

I knew Keith would be mad if he didn't get no ice cream so I ran out real quick, got a rocket pop cause that was all I had money for and I gave it to him when he woke up a minute later. His eyes and nose got bruised up pretty bad but nothing was broke and he only had a few cuts on his legs. Nothin that needed medical attention, so I patched him up and we cleaned up all the glass.

That thing was still vibrating around. Neither of us were even about to pick it up again to turn it off. Then Keith's dad came home, saw the broken coffee table, bloodstains on the floor, and the mushroom butt plug makin another lap around the room. He was pissed about the table at first but then he said he didn't want to know how it happened. But I explained anyway and he laughed so hard he about peed himself.


	7. Chapter 7

Time frame: Ellis was 15, Keith was 16

POV: Keith

Main Event: Underage drinking and porcupines

* * *

How about I tell you about the first time I got Ellis drunk? It was a Saturday night and we were both young, having a good time after winning a football game, not a school football game but a neighborhood game. Back at my house, my dad forgot how much whiskey he owned so I got ahold of a pint of it and Ellis and I decided to "celebrate". Well, I forgot that it was not a good idea to highly intoxicate a first timer with hard liquor. Ellis was so drunk, like hilariously drunk but man was he havin a good time. Besides me, Ellis is the funnest drunk around, also the most danger prone.

On Sunday mornin, his mom came to pick him up for church and he was so hung-over. He threw up several times throughout the night and passed out when I put him in the shower. Charlotte (his mom) was so pissed at me, yelled at me the whole time I helped her walk him home. Yelled at him, too even though he was beggin her to keep it down cause his head hurt. He was like, "Ma, don't be mad at Keith" but she was mad and she kept on yellin.

I tried to calm her down and I was like, "you need a hug" but she shoved me away when I tried to hug her. I lost my footin and rolled down this steep hill by the road. This was in spring time, so love was in the air...especially for the two porcupines that I happened to land on when I fell. They freaked out, spiked the shit outta me and ran off.

Since El's mom was too embarrassed to take either of us to church with her, we spent the day at home with me tryin to take care of him with a hangover and him tryin to help me pull all those quills outta my leg. It was Hell, but honestly there's no one I'da rather spent that awful day with.


	8. Chapter 8

Time frame: 6 months before the outbreak  
POV: Keith  
Main event: Being trapped in a shed

* * *

Did Ellis ever tell you about the time we got stuck in the storage closet at work? No? Yeah, I'm not surprised on account of it bein embarrassin. But I'm gonna tell it anyway, for shits and gigs.

We had two storage places at work, the inside one and the outside one. The outside one was a little closet that was just on the outside of the main shop. It was a little door in the back corner. We just got a shipment of some stuff in and Randy told me and El to go put it all in the outside storage cause it wasn't anything that weather or temperature could ruin.

Now this storage closet is already pretty full, but by the time we stacked the last couple boxes, there was only enough room for one person to stand. Two was definitely a crowd. But Ellis couldn't put the last box on the shelf cause he was too short, so I stepped in behind him and pushed it up.

Keep in mind it was almost a year after my second burning incident and I had to really lean in to get full extension of my arms. I was takin some allergy pills at the time, too, so my head wasn't 100% clear. I forgot that it was a windy day, and that the storage closet will not open from the inside.

The door blew shut and we were both in there plunged into total darkness. There was almost no room to move and I had to decide whether I'd rather have my crotch shoved against my best friend's ass or I could pull back about four inches and have a door knob pressed against my spine.

I wasn't the biggest fan of tight spaces, especially in the dark so I was already not havin a good time, and then Ellis goes, "Shit, I gotta go to the bathroom."

I say, "Well, you shoulda thought about that before we got trapped in the damn closet now shut up and yell for Scott to come let us out."

He's actin like a little girl and tells me, "I didn't know we were gonna get trapped in here."

Before he could complain anymore I said to him, "It's already hot in here and I am not gonna smell pee the whole time we're in this mess, so you're gonna hold it, Ellis. End of story."

We were stuck in that closet crotch to ass for four and a half hours because Scott and Travis couldn't hear us yellin and we left our phones inside because this was only supposed to be a 2 second trip. Since it was in early May and that closet was sheet metal on the inside, it got real hot inside. I was drenched in sweat even though only half of my sweat glands actually worked on account of the scar tissue. There wasn't even any room to take off my coveralls. Hardly, but I managed. That's right, we were actually standin there in our underclothes for the duration of that adventure. My feet were real spongey because I couldn't get my shoes or pant legs all the way off.

Ellis decides that since he's hot, he's also tired and decides to go limp against me and fall asleep. So for the whole time I stood there supportin a sleeping, sweaty, slippery man, tryin real hard not to let the doorknob bash me in the back.

It took until almost 5:00 in the pm for Scott and Travis to realize that we never came back from the last task at hand right after lunch and they came lookin for us, finally openin the door so we could go home in shame as they laughed the whole walk back to our trucks.


	9. Chapter 9

Time Frame: Three years before the outbreak, Ellis is 20, Keith is 21, Dave and Paul are 24, Scott is 18  
POV: Keith  
Main Event: Ellis is protective over his mom

* * *

This one time, me and Dave and Paul (I think it was Paul) and Scott were over at Ellis' house, jammin in his garage because I recently made mine uninhabitable…but that's another story.

Ellis went into the house to get some orange drink and I heard him scream like a girl. That was outta character, so we all dropped what we were doin and ran into the house after him. Well, he isn't hurt but his face is beet red and he's lookin down at the floor. It's summer time and his mom is in the kitchen in a swimsuit. She was still in good shape for her age, but this was way outta the ordinary for her to not be at least semi-modest.

He yells, "MOM PUT SOME FREAKIN CLOTHES ON! I GOT LIKE FIVE OTHER GUYS OVER!"

She's startled and a little angry at her son for yellin at her, because really there wasn't nothin actually wrong with her swimsuit. It was a bikini but it covered her lady parts up.

She's like, "Son, do not talk to me that way. It's hot! And I'm miserable. I been havin the hot flashes all day and I need a damn man." Charlotte must have been tappin into her box of wine a little too hard that day because she would never talk like that otherwise.

So he says back, "You're a 40 year old woman and it aint right for you to be paradin around in front of your son's friends in a couple of damn triangles of cloth to keep ya from being ass naked, mom!"

She shoots back, "This aint Iraq, son. I'll dress how I want. Do you kids mind?"

Ellis was so embarrassed he could barely talk. He yelled at all of us to look at the floor, said he would knock the shit outta the first guy to eyeball his mom. We all did what he said and Dave took off his flannel cause he was bigger and taller than all of us and was like, "Here, Char. Put this on so El doesn't have a heart attack."

She did what he asked and then walked away complainin about how she couldn't do anything in her own damn house cause her son ran her life. I knew she was drunk then cause normally she thought Ellis walked on water. Everything we did that ended up being stupid was always my fault.

I didn't know what was wrong with him or why he was so heated at the time. I mean he was always protective of his ma, but never yelled at her. Later it turned out that he'd just broke up with his girlfriend the day before for cheatin on him and givin him the clap. He was mad because the guy she cheated with (my brother) was in the same room and had just told him hours before he dumped her what happened between them.

After I beat the living shit outta my brother, and the other guys went home, I got Ellis good and drunk and was there to witness his entire emotional breakdown. For a dude that was usually so damn happy you wanted to pop him one, he got so weird over girls. He'd take a breakup real hard and that was one of the worst things about him. Pickin him back up after somethin like that was always taxing.

Wow, sorry. This was supposed to be a happy story.


	10. Chapter 10

Time frame: 2 years before the outbreak  
POV: Ellis  
Main event: Doing fireworks on the 4th of July

* * *

Did I ever tell you about the time Keith blew his car up?

It was the 4th of July and we were doin our own thing by the edge of the lake before we were gonna meet up with some friends to watch the main event in the center of town. This was something we did every year. Keith would buy some fireworks…or make some, and we would blow shit up beforehand, so we'd be a little less excited and a little more focused when it came to seeing our friends.

Everything was going fine at first, until Keith pulled out a box full of "boom balls". What you're supposed to do with them is stick em in a tube and they fire up into the air, but Keith managed to tip the tube over on accident and the boom ball fired off into the makeshift coast. It blew up and it was glorious. So we just ditched the tube completely and started lightin up boom balls and throwin them. They'd blow up like a colorful grenade and light up the whole edge of the lake. It was truly a beautiful moment.

Keith tossed one but he had one of his muscle jerks during his throw (this was after he was tear gassed so he was still sufferin the effects), and the boom ball bounced off a tree and went right into the rolled down window of his car.

He was like, "SHIT!" and went runnin over to his car to try getting the boom ball out before it blew up. Bad idea, so I made a hasty decision and tackled him onto the sand. We watched the boom ball blow up on the inside of the car. Lit the whole thing up, and then we ran to the car and put out any fires that might start.

The damage was all centered around the driver's seat. The whole seat was blown open, the window was broken, windshield had a split up it but was fine otherwise. The steering wheel was bent, but the inside of the car survived the explosion. Whole thing smelled like sulfur and Keith had to ride around with a burlap sack coverin his seat so he didn't sit on the springs. They still poked through sometimes. One time me and Dave had to help him get out of the car because he hit a bump and a spring wove into the back of his thigh. Then he upgraded to wrappin a leather coat around his seat. Never had a problem after that. The car ran until the day of the outbreak.

By the way, he was still goin out with that girl he almost drowned in front of in the tunnel of love. She was not at all impressed with the state of his car when he pulled into the park to meet her.


	11. Chapter 11

Time frame: Keith and Ellis are both 16, Keith is 4 months shy of being 17.  
POV: Ellis  
Main event: Keith's battle with a rake

* * *

Did I ever tell you about the time that Keith broke his nose for the first time? We were outside cleanin up the yard on account of it being autumn and his dad wantin us to rake up the leaves. So we each had a rake and I was doin a way better job than him to be honest. He was getting tired real easy, stopping to rest a ton of times. I think he may have been comin down with a cold.

Well, he lays his rake down on the grass (big mistake) and goes to get a coke, thinkin maybe his blood sugar was low again. Last time that happened he had a seizure, so he didn't want that again. Well, he gets his coke and comes back.

He's like, "Where the hell did I put my rake?" And he's lookin around for it and BANG! He stepped on the right corner of it and the rake handle shoots up and smacks him square in the crotch. He yells and doubles over in pain and I can't help but laugh and ask if he was okay. I went over and helped him stand back up and get his bearings again. He turned to grab his own rake and was literally less than an inch from steppin on *my* rake that I sat down when I went to go help him up.

His foot is paused in the air and then he sees it out of the corner of his eye, because his focus was actually on his own rake which was directly to the left of him. He steps back one pace and he gave my rake the finger and said, "Not again, you sneaky sumbitch."

Suddenly, his alarm goes off in his pocket and he gets real excited and yells, "Dragon Ball is on!" and he takes off to the left to run into the house and watch it. Only…his rake was directly to the left and, you guessed it, he stepped on it again and this time it was a full on step and it hit him in the nose and mouth real hard. I mean you could hear it across the yard I bet. It made a loud THWACK _CRUNCH _sound.

His nose was obviously broken and it looked real funny and was bleedin like a stuck pig. His lip was split open and even though I tried to get him to go get it fixed, he told me he was gonna watch Dragon Ball first, so we did. We sat in the house and watched Dragon Ball while he soaked a towel all the way through with his blood.


	12. Chapter 12

Time frame: Ellis was 20, Keith just turned 21  
POV: Ellis  
Main event: A closer look behind the cliff-drive incident (*Note: This chapter is not a humorous one)

* * *

I know I told you about the time Keith drove his car off the cliff and broke both of his legs. But Coach said, "We aint got time for this, Ellis" before I could really go into much detail about it.

See, it was my fault he had the accident in the first place. It was winter time and my truck was havin trouble. It broke down way too far away for me to walk to anyone's house that I knew. The girl I was in a relationship with at the time was at work and she couldn't get off early to pick me up, so of course I called Keith.

I asked him if he was busy and he said no. I told him about the truck and said it was real chilly out, just to pack on the sympathy. He woulda come to get me anyway, but I was wantin him to hurry up cause I broke down right outside of a real shitty trailer park where this guy that Keith avoided like the plague lived. That guy just happened to live close to where I broke down and he came outside to see what was up.

Keith could hear me say hi to someone and he asked who. I told him Derek was here, and he was like, "Ellis, don't go nowhere with him." And I was just messin with Keith, not tryin to freak him out but I made the mistake of sayin, "Well you better hurry up and rescue me, then."

He said to stay put and he would be on his way. But he never came. I waited for like 30 minutes when it would have took him less time than that to pick me up. Derek stood with me a bit and asked me if everything was okay. I told him about the truck and said it was fine cause Keith was comin, but he was way late.

Derek was like, "Shame. Maybe he got side-tracked." He kept sniffin and I thought he was just cold but his eyes were also real bright and hazy. He was looking around a lot, too, like he expected someone to show up. I didn't know it at the time but he was flyin on meth. But he was bein friendly as ever, so I chatted with him.

Derek was four years older than me. I met him through Keith, who used to be friends with him, who met him through his brother Paul. Derek and I didn't know each other too well, but Keith warned me to stay away from him, and I guess it was cause of the meth.

But now it was getting dark and it really was cold, and Derek offered me a ride home so I took it. Everything was fine, but I was a little mad at Keith for ditching me. Derek dropped me off at home, said he would keep an eye out on my truck and that was that.

In the middle of the night, maybe 1 or 2am, I got a pretty frantic call from Keith's mom sayin he was in an accident and she didn't know how bad it was but that he was in the hospital. I freaked out and took my girlfriend's car to the hospital to see if he was okay. I was real worried that he was gonna be dead by the time I got there.

Turns out, he was on his way to come and get me, and he was drivin too fast and a deer went out in front of his car. He tried to brace for impact cause it was too dangerous to brake. But when he hit the deer, it sent his car off the road, which was a little icy.

He went off the cliff, which was actually a deep ravine. His car (not the same car he blew up on 4th of July) hit the other side and he wasn't wearin a seatbelt so he went through the windshield. He landed on his feet at the bottom and broke both of the bones in his lower legs. One was stickin out of the skin, but he was fine other than that and a massive concussion.

When the docs let me see him, he was a bit high on the pain medicine and his first words were, "I have a hose stuck in my ding dong." I would have laughed but I felt real bad for what just happened. I didn't even argue when he yelled at me for getting a ride home with Derek, tellin me I was a dipshit for riding in a car with 'that psychopath.' He was mad especially when I said that nothin weird happened at all.

He was so goddamn scared of Derek and I was being an asshole and he coulda got killed because of me. He got over it and was happy again only a few minutes after the lecture.


	13. Chapter 13

Time frame: 5 years before the outbreak

POV: Ellis

Main event: Keith tries to outdo the internet

* * *

Did I ever tell you about the time Keith thought he was better than everyone on the internet? We were at my house, lookin for some shit on Amazon...I can't for the life of me remember what we were lookin for, but for some reason, an unexpected item turns up in my recommeded section. It's these damn Haribo gummy bears. I don't even particularly like gummy bears so I don't know what that was about, but Keith liked them and thought the huge bag was a great deal so I clicked on the page.

I noticed this particular item had real bad reviews and we started readin them. They were hilarious to me (great read if you ever need a laugh) but Keith thought everyone that wrote a bad review about intestinal distress was just a delicate moron so he insisted that he wanted to take advantage of that great deal and bought the damn 5lb bag of gummy bears.

Well, three days later, I decide to give Keith a call because I'm bored to death and I want to go do somethin later. He doesn't pick up his phone so I think, "No problem, I'll just drop by his house and see what's up." The whole gummy bear thing was already forgotten. I go to his house and I knock on the door, but no one answers. The TV is on kinda loud so I figure Keith is home and just can't hear me over the sound of the TV so I just walked in.

...and walked right back out again as fast as I could. The front door didn't even have time to close before I was out. The smell...man I can't even describe it besides sayin it was the nastiest thing I ever smelled in my life. I've smelled zombies that smell better than the crimes against nature that Keith committed in his bathroom. The whole house had an awful sugary shit haze cast over it. It about knocked me clean out when I opened the door.

So I turned and jumped off the steps, then stood in the grass and laughed and laughed. I laughed so hard I couldn't stand and went to my hands and knees. Even then, I laughed. I laughed so damn hard there were tears pouring down my face and someone passing by woulda not been sure if I was crying in agony or laughing in hysterics.

Paul came over for somethin or other and saw me in my state in the front lawn and he panicked. He yells, "Aww shit, is my dad dead?!" Since I'm too out of myself to answer him, he bolts into the house, only to scream as loud as he could and run back out to throw up all over the driveway.

That just made me laugh more and I felt like I was gonna either pass out or pee myself. Paul was groaning because he puked his guts out and then he was askin me if anyone was left in the house and I said I thought Keith was in there. Paul looked back at the house and says, "He's probably dead. I'm not goin back for him, and I was never here." And he was gonna get in his car and drive away, but...

Just then, Keith comes out the front door, real slow and not too steady. He looks like he actually is dead. He's sweaty and breathing in short gasps like he's tryin not to throw up too. It wasn't just the house that smelled awful. Keith smelled like Satan used him as a thong bikini. Good god, the memory still makes my eyes burn. See, I know now that he spent the whole night on the toilet and then took a shower five minutes before I came home just to put some heat on his burnt up backside. But the steam from the shower made the crap smell extra penetrating all over the house.

We turned the hose on him, me and Paul and made him lay there in the yard and wash himself off with rosemary soap. He took forever on account of how weak he was and how much he said his ass hurt, but I wasn't about to get down on the ground and give my best friend a scrub when he wasn't even drunk. Especially not in front of nobody.


	14. Chapter 14

Time frame: Ellis was 17 and Keith was 18 (senior year of high school)  
POV: Ellis  
Main event: Keith's inability to rescue people

* * *

This one time, me and Keith were part of a volunteer search group. See this special needs girl we went to school with went missin and her family was pretty sure she got lost in the woods on account of her likin to go do there in the spring to see all the new forest life forming.

Keith and I were out in town, about to go to the arcade when some people said she was missing and Keith was ready to jump in right away. He says, "Come on, El. Nothin we have planned today would be cooler than savin a girl." Keith knew this girl, was real nice to her. See she was a cheerleader…kinda hung around the girls' cheer coach and she didn't get bullied much, the other girls were cool and wanted her to join up. So since Keith and I were both in sports, we got to talk to her quite a bit. I was relatively hot back in the day, but this girl was the only cheerleader that would even notice Keith was alive. So he had a soft spot for her. Plus she was so funny, made us laugh all the time with the shit she'd say. There were only 2 girls that were ever mean to her and she sassed the shit outta them.

So we are goin around in the woods lookin for her as evening sets in. It's about 6pm and I turn around and suddenly Keith isn't in sight. I heard him one second, and the next second, nothing. So I was now lookin for two people and I didn't find neither. I was startin to get worried that somethin might have happened. Keith HATED being in the woods after dark unless it was just him and me, but being separated I was sure he was gonna flip out.

Well, when I got tired and it got too dark, I went back to the place where everyone agreed to meet up. And there they were, Keith and Carolyn, both laughin and talking to one another.

See, it turns out Keith fell down a real steep hill while we were lookin and that was why I couldn't see him. The brush was so dense that I couldn't see the bottom of the hill and he was unconscious so he couldn't hear me. Well, Carolyn must have heard me callin for them and she showed up but she couldn't see me or get up the hill (it was almost a cliff instead of a hill). But she found Keith and he woke up to a badly sprained ankle and dislocated shoulder. Keith told her where they were supposed to meet up and that girl lifted him off the ground like goddamn Superwoman and crutched his helpless ass all the way back, following the sound of people callin her name.

Turns out that girl could handle herself. People were out tryin to rescue her but she ended up rescuing my best friend from a scary night alone in the woods. They stayed friends after that.


	15. Chapter 15

Time frame: 1 year before the outbreak  
POV: Ellis  
Main event: Keith risking his health for a cake

* * *

I know I mentioned that one time when Keith was supposed to get married and he skipped out on his wedding day, the whole 'runaway groom' story. Well, here's how it went:

Keith was still with that girl, the 'tunnel of love' girl. Her name was Brandi by the way. Well, she really wanted to get married, all of a sudden and Keith being the guy he is said 'sure' when she proposed to him. Like she literally got down on one knee in front of his friends. Brandi wore the pants in that relationship. They were gettin ready for the wedding, and everything was set up. I was his best man and the suit I was wearin made me look smokin'. So I was waitin up at the front with the priest and Keith showed up, waitin for Brandi to come down the aisle. He had this weird look in his eyes, like the kind he got when he was coming up with a horrible idea.

He waited all the way until the priest said, "if anyone has a reason this couple should not be wed" part and Keith says, "finally!"

Everyone, including me, was shocked. He takes the microphone off of the podium (broke it off the stand) and he says to everyone, "Hello ladies and gents…especially the ladies" and he winks, then he says, "I have an announcement to make. Brandi, this lady right here, my fiancé is pregnant."

Everyone claps, except for me, Paul, Dave, and anyone that knows Keith very well. Keith clapped along with the audience and Brandi looked so satisfied, but he finishes with, "Yeah, yay. Chuck it up. What you don't know is, I got kicked in the crotch by a horse when I was 19. It made me 100% sterile. So…maybe if I was an idiot, this would be okay. But I'm not an idiot so I know for sure that bun in her oven aint mine. This wedding is over. Bye."

He drops the mic, and it makes a loud sound. Brandi starts cryin and I just stand there until Keith tells me to come with him. He says, "Grab the whiskey, Ellis." He picks up the top two tiers of the wedding cake and he tells me to pull the car around. So I do. We go back to my house and get drunk and eat half a damn weddin cake a piece. He seems like he isn't even that sad until he's real drunk, starts to cry, tells me, "El, she was fuckin another guy? Don't I know how to choose em?" Then he pukes up a bunch of blood and passes out.

By then Dave and Paul and Scott and Kale came over to check on their buddy. Keith's family was so pissed and everyone wanted to kick Keith's ass. So his friends guarded the house to make sure he'd stay safe. But with the vomit, we had to take him to the hospital. My mom was workin that day (she was a nurse) so she got him in as soon as we could get Kale to drive him (he was too young to drive but he wasn't drunk).

Keith just went through that poisoning from the chicken a little while back, so he wasn't supposed to be drinkin alcohol or eating anything solid. They pumped his stomach again and my mom yelled at him, then almost ripped Brandi's face off when she came to check on her ex-fiance.

By the time the week was over, he seemed like he was back to his old self and he was right, his girl was cheatin on him…with like three other men. Two months after her weddin with Keith, she married the guy that she was pretty sure was the father of her baby.


	16. Chapter 16

Time frame: Keith is 21, almost 3 years before the outbreak  
POV: Ellis  
Main event: Skateboarding fail

* * *

This one time, Keith decided that he could skateboard over top of a camp fire for "100% certain". We were all out, me and him and the other guys, fishin and havin a good time on Dave's property. It was a huge place, lots of area around the lake.

The fire in question wasn't a huge bonfire but it was still definitely too big to jump over, I thought. So did everyone else, but we just encouraged him to do it anyway. He'd already been burned real bad once before. It was just before his second burning incident and I reminded him, "Hey, buddy. You already know what it feels like to be on fire." And he says, "Psh, yeah. Like I'm gonna catch on fire twice. What are the odds?"

Dave started to figure out the odds, cause he was good at math, but Keith didn't stick around for an answer. He went down the makeshift ramp and sailed into the air, right over top of the fire just like he said he would. I was surprised cause I was sure that he was gonna fall right in the pit, but he landed it.

It was only after he landed and didn't move to step away from his board that we realized somethin was up. He managed to land wrong, snap his skateboard in half and a huge chunk of wood went right up through his foot because he was barefoot. The thing was as thick as a sharpie marker and it was stuck all the way through.

Dave (who looked like a huskier version of Dave Navarro...thought I should mention that for no reason) was all mad that we had to take him to the hospital and opted to call the doc at home and we paid a home visit since it was way closer than the hospital.

Keep in mind, this guy was not really a doctor. He was a PA, which was close enough. But when we visited, he was real drunk. So he says, "Okay, Keith, take off your pants."

Keith looks confused and says, "I'm here for the stick in my foot." And the doc says, "Oh yeah…of course."

So he pulls the stick out and it takes a whole lotta yankin and Keith tryin not to scream. But finally it comes out and blood gushes all over the place. The doc then passed out and while our friends were tryin to wake him up, I'm tryin to block all that bleedin.

He wakes back up flushes out the wound and closes it up, telling Keith to stay off the foot and keep it covered. It got infected pretty bad later, but he managed to eventually take some antibiotics. Now the scar is pretty big but it's also on the foot that he already has no sensation to anymore, so it worked out.


	17. Chapter 17

Time frame: Ellis was 19, Keith was 20  
POV: Keith  
Main event: Raccoon fighting

_This chapter is posted for SuperWaspKing._

* * *

Did Ellis ever tell you about the time we tried to fight racoons in my back yard? Well, not really "we" being that it was my idea and I was the one that executed the plan. Ellis was just around for the ride to make sure I didn't somehow get killed. By racoons? Right. You might remember this story, am I right? Well, I'm sure that Ellis mentioned that it was all my fault and that the raccoons got fed up real fast and attacked me? Sounds like somethin he would do, always makin me look like the idiot that can't do nothin right no how.

Well, let me tell ya, he was in just as bad shape as I was by the end of the day. See, this fool decided to help me wrangle up the raccoons (there were 3) while smelling terrific. I'm not kiddin, I would have taken a bite outta him myself if I didn't have the human ability to control myself. He smelled like fried chicken and I think that may have set them off, because we were both runnin away from angry raccoons very shortly after testing this idea. I got bit up by 2 of them and the most aggressive one climbed up Ellis' back and bit him square in the eye! Like, in the actual eyeball, not around it.

You'da thought he lost an arm the way he was flippin out about it.

"_Keith, I'm gonna go blind"_ and _"Keith, I'ma get the rabies."_

Shit, he acted like he already had rabies, all in a panic, breathin heavy and babbling like a drunk old man. His eye was bleedin a bit but I couldn't get a good look at it cause someone said it hurt to open his eyelid. So I got sick of the sudden chaos real quick and I told him,

"Ellis, you see this fist?" And I held up my fist, "Well, I'm about to drive it upside your head and keep punchin until you're unconscious cause you're freakin me out, man. Calm the hell down and we'll get in the truck and go to the doctor and you'll be fine."

He was still gripin at me about my stupid idea...even though I only ever once got mad at him for all the shit he got me into.

Eventually we made it into the hospital room and the doc pried his eye open and I was allowed to look over his shoulder at the damage. When the doc shined the light in his eye, the pupil got smaller, but I could see somethin in it under the magnifying glass. Apparently they were nerves.

I made the mistake of sayin, "Shit, that raccoon bit a hole in his pupil."

This just set Ellis off again and the doc had to shush him and say, "No, the pupil **is** essentially a hole. It lets light into the eye. It isn't just a black spot."

I didn't know that.

When the doc was writing down his report, I heard him say somethin about "organ damage" and so did Ellis. He was like "WHAT?!" The doc quickly catches himself and mentions that he wasn't meanin internal organs, but external. Of course I was confused again, because I don't got organs on the outside...usually. I always thought that was a bad thing if they were outta you. But he meant skin. The doc insisted that flesh was an organ...a new thing I learned. I also learned that my man bits are an external organ.

Well, anyway, Ellis was fine. His eye was fine. It tore a bit of tissue but it was on the side of the eyeball, not enough to make him lose his sight. The doc just cleaned his eye up and we were on our way, bein that Ellis chose to have the raccoon tested for rabies and it came out negative. What a jerk.


	18. Chapter 18

Time frame: Two years before the outbreak

POV: Keith

Main event: A trip to the store

* * *

This is gonna be a short one, but it just sprung into my head and to this day, I have no idea what in the hell happened.

See, me and Ellis were at the store, lookin for something easy to snack on when we got back to his house to watch a movie. I was bored because I hated shopping and I was lookin around at the different items hanging on those little aisle strips.

Well, there was this little plastic banana slicer, so I picked it up, turned to Ellis and asked, "Hey El, do you think this would work if I used it to shave a couple inches off the ol-"

I didn't get any farther. He looked disgusted, slapped the banana slicer out of my hand and loudly said, "NO! Why would you even- Keith, sometimes your ideas are too much for me to keep up with!"

I didn't say anything for a while after that. He just kept lookin at me like I just suggested we murder a weiner dog with the damn banana slicer. I didn't...besides it was made out of plastic, only an idiot could have gotten hurt with it.

I think he was just in a mood because he accidentally put some of my "special" watermelon scented gel on his lips. They were real chapped and he couldn't find chapstick at my house so he used what smelled nice, because the bottle clearly said "moist". I smelled watermelon, got a boner (that I hid flawlessly), and asked him why he was smearin condom lube all over himself.

He got all flustered and told me that I was a jerk for not owning chapstick and that he didn't want to leave the house lookin like a drug addict...apparently only drug addicts get chapped lips.


	19. Chapter 19

Time frame: Keith was 18 and Ellis was 17

POV: Keith

Main event: Run-in with a psycho.

* * *

This one time, Ellis and me were within a hair's width of being turned into one of them human centipedes. I haven't seen the movie, but I'd imagine that what this guy had planned for us was roughly around what that sounds like.

See, Ellis and I were on a trip out of town and we were on our way back and that shitty truck of his started to act up for the millionth time. I was pissed off because I insisted we take my car but Mr. I-Know-Everythin wouldn't shut up about how good he fixed up his truck. Well, when it sputtered to a halt on the side of a dark road, I just had a feelin we were in trouble.

But this guy shows up maybe 40 minutes later, after we were good n tired from tryin to fix the truck up with what supplies we had in the back. So this guy offers to tow us to his place, and call a truck from there to take us the rest of the way to town. This was back when I was really uneasy around people I didn't know so I wasn't into this anyway. But Ellis really wanted to get home and not be stuck on the side of the road.

Now let me tell ya a little about this guy. Ellis has the worst ability to read people. I swear the dummy would let the Manson family into his house and not even know better. This guy looked. Fucking. Crazy. I mean, he had a controlled crazy look. He was clean, wore glasses, but I felt off about him so fast. He was maybe 35-40 years old, neatly combed hair. Looked like a damn serial killer, and not the sexy kind. More like that "misfit asshole that hooks up with drunk girls" look.

So we end up at the guy's house and he was acting normal enough. He offered us somethin to drink and I figured water was safe enough. I knew what date rape drugs tasted like from a science project these two girls had me volunteer for in 8th grade. They're bitter and hard to mask with water. I didn't taste anything.

Ellis takes a big drink and I kind of baby mine. We are in the guy's kitchen, talkin to him before he decides to make the call. After a few minutes, Ellis says, "Ground Control to Major Tom" which is somethin he only ever says when there's a problem, or when he's singin along with Mr. Bowie. He starts to stand and he drops onto the floor, struggles, and then faints.

Right away I feel it, too, but not enough to knock me out. I'm a little dizzy but way more on edge. The guy moves to stand up and step toward Ellis and before I lose my reflexes and abilities too quick, I grab the nearest thing, a cast iron skillet off the stove and I swing it with all my weight behind it. I ended up knockin that sumbitch clean out with the first swing, caught him so hard upside the face that blood shot outta his mouth and across the wall behind him. Guy dropped like a rock and I stumbled across the room, grabbed El and dragged him outside. I managed to get him about a quarter mile into the woods (maybe not even that) before my legs gave out and I was all woozy and couldn't put together how to get back up.

In the dark, I felt pretty safe, we were hidden real good in some brush. I pulled up my hood and curled myself around my buddy's head so that if somehow we were visible, we wouldn't have any exposed skin. Maybe we'd blend in with the scenery. I kept tellin myself that I just needed to rest a few minutes but I ended up needin more time.

My head got clear and it was still dark. I don't know still how long I was waitin in the bushes. But when I was clear, I got Ellis up and we cut through the woods all the way back to town. It was dawn when we got back. You'd think we went to the cops first, but honestly we were both so damn thirsty that we went to the convenience store and got water first. Sounds real stupid, but if you ever been drugged, you'd know that wakin up feels like your body is completely dried out. We went to the cops right after, though, and the guy was arrested for druggin us.


	20. Chapter 20

Main event: Best friend, coming to the rescue

POV: Ellis

Time period: 6 months after the failed wedding

* * *

Did I ever tell you about the time that I had to smooth talk Keith's dad and Keith's dad's friends from beating the hell out of him one night?

See, Keith was the kinda guy that when he drank, he was ALL kinds of a drunk man except for the angry kind. No matter how much alcohol you tanked into this man, he wouldn't ever get to be the angry drunk.

Most of his drunk cycles were pretty fun, except SAD drunk Keith, and the drunk Keith that would be a really clingy hugger.

Well, one 4th of July, he was really drunk and we were at his family's house. This was a little while after his failed wedding so he was in a delicate condition every once in a while.

Keith has maybe 8 beers in him and was no longer allowed to light the fireworks anymore for safety reasons. I was having a good time and Keith got puked on by his drunk sister. Since he was drunk himself, he went into the house to change his shirt and came out with one of her shirts on. It was passable for a boy's shirt but it was too short.

So I decide to give him a few jabs and make fun. So I says, "Keith, buddy. Nice shirt. Makes you look a bit gay, though."

Forever being the guy that never backed down from a challenge, he walks over to me, slightly uneasy and he says, Quote

"Oh yeah? Well, the way your pants hug your ass makes you look Hot. AS. SHIT!"

This was not something new. People always said I had a nicer ass than a girl's, which embarrassed the Hell out of me. But it was usually only a quiet joke. He said it pretty loud though, and his dad noticed. His dad's friends noticed, and they were all old-fashioned guys. Needless to say, this started to cause a commotion.

Keith's dad always liked me, so I was able to calm him down, convince him that his son was NOT a queer, and do something I hated to do. LIE. I insisted that Keith was way drunker than he looked, had way more alcohol at my house before he was at home. Had to stand there guarding him from possible abuse as his dad closed in and slowly came down from being really mad.

His dad was drunk too, so I had to basically catalog all the straight things his son has ever done in his life, versus this one incident tonight. After he was calm and put his fists down, I took Keith with me to the store, and of course he was pulling his "I love you, man" crap.

I was just like, "Dammit buddy, I hate when you drink."

I was just completely floored by the junk Keith's dad was saying to him. Holy Hell, that was so cruel.


	21. Chapter 21

Main event: A gay moment

POV: Ellis

Time frame: Keith is 19, Ellis is 18

* * *

WARNING: Moderate (rated T) gayness

* * *

Okay, did I ever tell you about the time… I can't even put a title on what happened. Hell, I don't even know why I'm tellin anyone about it. This shit is embarrassing.

One time, we were having a good time, watching some movies and having several beers. By several, I mean a whole bunch. We were really drunk. And a full year ago, when I turned 17, I got really drunk with Keith and some weird shit happened and I swore I was never gonna get that drunk again, but that was another story that I'll get the guts to tell someday.

This time, we were good and shit-faced, having just had several hours on a couch, relaxing and watching movies. You know how after you get real drunk sitting down, and you stand up? Well, that happened. Keith stood up, covered his mouth and stumbled to the bathroom. He slipped on the rug, fell down and the force of him hittin the floor knocked the puke out of him. It splattered all over the bathroom and when I stumbled in to help him up, I slipped in it! Slipped in the vomit and got it all over my clothes.

He started to sit up and I guess it wasn't all out because I suddenly had warm puke all in my crotch and the smell was so bad that I threw up too. On him, all over his shirt and work coat.

After a few minutes of takin turns throwin up on each other, the bathroom was a mess and none of the puke was in the toilet.

"We gotta get this cleaned up, buddy." I said.

Keith reaches over and turns the shower on and suggests that I help him get into the shower first to sober up, and then he swore that he would clean the bathroom himself. I was on board so I stood up the best I could and helped him stand too. It was so bad now that we needed to use one another as a crutch or we would both be on the floor again.

Now I didn't note that ALL of our clothes were covered in puke. Keith starts pulling off his shirt, but its all sticky so he needs help, and this is where it gets a little foggy. I think we took each other's clothes off because when things started to make sense again, we were in the shower, completely naked. I had my best friend's naked body pushed up against mine and I don't know if we were struggling to stand, or trying to fall asleep against one another in the heat.

This was really weird and completely inappropriate in every way. I didn't even know what to say or do. We avoided really awkward eye contact and didn't say a word to one another the whole time. We were all soapy and hands were places…goddamn. I don't want to go any farther into it, but it was bad for everyone involved. There wasn't nothin sex-like about it but it was awful. One of the gayest things I ever done with my life before the Outbreak. One of 'em.

Good Lord, why?


	22. Chapter 22

Time frame: 2 weeks after Keith's 21st birthday

POV: Ellis

Main event: Keith accidentally goes on a date with another guy

* * *

While we're on the subject of weird gay shit my best friend has done, have I told y'all about the time that Keith accidentally went on a date with a man?

Well it happened.

It wasn't long after he turned 21, and we were out at the bar at 5:00. We were playin pool and having fun but my girlfriend wanted to go home so I had to check out early. I wasn't allowed to drink anyway cause I wasn't 21 and the bartender that served me beer anyway wasn't on that night.

Anyway, like an hour before we left, Keith was havin a few rounds of darts with this guy, and it seemed innocent at first.

But the next mornin, I go over to Keith's house to wake him up for work and when I open the door, his house is spotless as I have ever seen it. Keith wakes up just as surprised as me and we try to piece together what the hell happened based on his memories and my text messages I got from him.

After I left that night, Keith was hanging out with that one guy and after a while, the man asks Keith if he wants to go get some food because the bar doesn't have anything but booze. Keith, being hungry 24 hours a day agrees and they go to a BBQ joint and get a whole bunch of ribs and chicken wings. The guy pays for everything!

Then they go to this weird store that Keith can't remember the name of, and it was incredibly clean and really bright. They hit another bar and eventually they make it back to Keith's house and watch a movie. He notices the guy is sittin pretty close to him even though there's a lot of couch open.

Keith ends up black out drunk and passes out on the way to the kitchen. He woke up in bed, though, in the same clothes he wore the night before.

So I guess the guy cleans his house before he takes off. But not before leaving a note on the fridge in real nice handwriting, sayin thanks for the fun evening, hoping to see him again sometime. At the bottom was a phone number and a wink face.

The weird thing is, this guy looked like John Stamos, and Keith looked like…not John Stamos. I don't know what the hell this guy was on but he allegedly thought my buddy was hot as hell. I made fun of him for weeks for going out with a guy without even knowing. He swears nothin happened.


	23. Chapter 23

Time frame: Several weeks before the outbreak

POV: Ellis

Main event: No idea why he's mad.

* * *

Did I ever tell y'all about the time that Keith was mad at me and he didn't know why?

I show up at his house one day, because my mom skipped goin to work because she had a migraine. Since I was doin band practice, my house was off-limits. I didn't want the noise to hurt my mom's head, so I told her to call me home if she needed anything at all and off I went.

When I got there, Dave and Scott and Kale were already in the garage and Keith comes in from the house, takes one look at me and heaves this big sigh. It confused me, because he sounded mad. I was thinkin, "If seein me makes you mad somehow, why the hell did ya invite me to your house?" But I let it go, and as we practiced, he tried to ignore me as much as he could, not including me in anything. If we talked at all, he had this odd tone in in his voice that came off as real nasty.

So I called him out on it eventually and I was like, "Buddy are you mad about somethin?" He tells me that I know what I did, and really I didn't, so I told him I had no idea why he was mad. I had to press the guy for several minutes and he finally admits that he don't have any idea why he's mad, but he is.

"Keith," I sigh, "if you don't know what I did to make you this mad at me, isn't it possible that you had another seizure and made up the whole thing in your head? Maybe nothing happened, hm?"

"Oh no," He is insisting, "no way, boy. You did somethin. Aw, you DID. DO. SOMETHIN. I got heartburn and I never get heartburn unless I'm pissed off at you."

I point out that he gets heartburn when he drinks too much hard alcohol, eats anything with tomato in it, sleeps on his stomach, yells too loud, gets into a car accident, goes campin, goes huntin, smells fish for too long, or cooks over a hot stove/fire.

He starts to get even more mad, and accuses me of makin all that up on the spot just to make him feel stupid and I really did not do that. All of those are reasons why he gets heartburn. But we don't argue about it for too long, because he starts to lose motor function after about 10 minutes and I can tell he's gonna have a seizure. He gets this far away look on his face and his head lowers. So I just get him to lay down in the yard real careful and wait until the guy has his seizure only a couple of minutes later. I was the one what went with him to the doctor when this started happenin so the doc actually told me what to do for him instead of his family. All our friends were gone by then and I do what the doc says and protect his head.

I didn't have anything to support him with so I just held his head loosely on my lap and waited til he was done thrashin around. I went through this with him several times before and when he came back together, he didn't remember bein mad at me in the least.


	24. Chapter 24

Time Frame: One week before the outbreak

POV: Ellis

Main event: Being tazed

* * *

Did I ever tell you about the time that I got tazed by a cop? Okay, what happened was, me and Keith were at his house and he has this weird self-made deck on top of his house that we would hang out on. We were hangin out on it, being that it was a nice summer sunset and Keith already had several drinks in him, which were whiskey so he was pretty out of it. He was gonna go downstairs into the yard to turn the sprinklers on, being that the cool thing to do was water the grass at night. He turns on the water and goes to make a dash back up the stairs and he spills his whiskey while he's runnin, slips on an ice cube and then falls all the way back down the stairs and slides into the grass.

I was enjoyin a Sugar Daddy at the time (which is this really sticky caramel candy if you don't know) and him fallin startled me so I bit down real hard on it. The thing was so stuck in my teeth that I couldn't move my jaw and I ended up ripping the stick off trying to pull it out. Oh well, I leave it alone and I go to help Keith. I get him to his feet and he seems fine but his head is bleedin pretty good. When he fell down, he hit it and a piece of the broken whiskey glass cut through his eyebrow. Any good bump to the head would usually send Keith into at least a minor seizure at this point, so I was just waitin for it. He falls down on the way to the car to get him to the doctor. I drag him off the driveway and back into the lawn so he doesn't hurt his head more and suddenly a cop shows up.

The sprinklers are on. My buddy is bleedin from his head, seizing in the grass and I'm tryin to keep him from jumpin like a fish all over the yard. The cop is yellin at me and I'm tryin to tell him my buddy is havin a fit but the Sugar Daddy won't let me talk, so I'm just callin to him in some low groaning language and the cop must have thought I was a mugger or somethin along those lines cause the next thing I know, I feel like I'm on fire and I'm the one thrashin around in the yard.

Paul and Dave come runnin out, demandin to know what the cop was doin to me and the guy stops and waits for me to get back to myself. Dave tells the cop that Keith has seizures and that I was his best friend and I was just tryin to help. The guy actually ended up getting into a good deal of trouble for bein too zealous. Lookin back, he coulda shot me dead over somethin so silly. We both ended up bein just fine, though.


	25. Chapter 25

Time Frame: Tunnel of Love Incident

POV: Ellis

Main Event: Keith nearly drowns

* * *

Did I ever tell you about the time that Keith almost drowned in the Tunnel of Love? Sure I did, but Nick yelled at me so I didn't get to finish.

So, he was messin around on the swan and what happened was, he touched his girlfriend's boob and she got mad and gave him a shove. I don't think she meant to push him off the swan but he was already scooted close to the side and in he went.

I wasn't there at that point on account of bein single at the time. I was just waitin around for them to come out, but I heard a ruckus from in there and I just KNEW it had somethin to do with him, so I took off into the Tunnel. I was runnin along the side and callin out cause I heard a girl yellin and I could tell it was Brandi. When I caught up to the swan she was yellin from, I called out again and asked where Keith was. She said he fell in and she couldn't see him.

So in I jumped. The water was oddly deep, had to be almost five feet at the area we were in. I started feelin around and I ran into Keith only a few seconds in, but I had no idea how long he was under water before I got there. His shoe got caught up in the machinery so I yanked his foot out of it and drug him over to the side where the carnival crew walked. Even water-logged he wasn't heavy, bein that my adrenaline was through the roof.

He wasn't movin a bit and I was shakin him around and sayin his name, tryin to revive him but nothin was happenin. So I told myself, "Shit, this is the time that CPR class I took is gonna have to pay off." And I started givin him the CPR.

Now what they don't tell you in the class is that if a person aspirated water into their lungs, not only does the water come out when you fill the lungs with air, they also throw up sometimes. So, the second I started, EVERYTHING came back up…into my mouth. Dirty carnival ride water, saliva, stomach acid, Dr. Pepper, and a chewed up mixture of corndog, fried funnel cake, cotton candy, chili, turkey leg, and tater tots. Of course I threw up right after. My best friend just puked in my mouth!

Luckily Keith came to, but we were kicked out of the carnival. As soon as we're alone, which I didn't want to happen for the rest of the night cause I know how he gets, Keith hugs me and gets all gushy about me savin him. I just patted him on the back, told him to calm down and not worry about it cause he would have done the same for me, and has.


	26. Chapter 26

Time Frame: High school, Keith and Ellis are each 14

POV: Ellis

Main event: Keith defends Ellis in a fight

* * *

Did I ever tell you about the time where Keith really did save me?

This is just one of them, because the guy has literally always had my back. But this one kind of really plucked on my heart strings for the longest time.

It was back when we were in high school and we were in our first year so that was tough enough already. But there was this senior guy that was a real asshole. I didn't like him at all. He was that typical high school bully that seems to be a joke in all the movies. He wasn't a joke here, though. He was just a piece of crap to everyone.

For some reason, this guy had a girlfriend. She was in one of my classes and asked me if I understood shit about what the teacher was sayin. Now, sadly that class was Home Ec. And I only signed up for it because I thought that meant that I would get to eat pie for an hour per day but it actually sucked and the teacher was a raging drunk so nothin she said made sense. But I wrote down what she put on the board before she erased it and Mindy didn't. So I gave her my notes and that was that.

Now keep in mind, SHE came and asked ME about it. The second she walked away, that guy comes up to me, starts shoving me around and askin me why I was talkin to his girlfriend, like the girl was his property or somethin. I have NEVER liked that kinda shit so I was like, "Because it's a free country, dick." I don't remember all we said, but I was not polite to him like I usually am to people, and it led to a fight. I was not a big guy as a 14 year old, but I definitely didn't back down because Keith's dad taught me not to ever do that.

Well, the jerk got me in an arm bar and broke both my collar bone and my left elbow. Keith just came out of the bathroom and seen him on me and ran to my aid. Keith is taller than me and always has been, but at 14, he was way thinner, a bag of bones really. He knew he was no match for this guy but he jumped onto his back anyway and wraps himself as tight around the guy's neck as he could, just to get him off me. The guy shakes him off, gets his hands on Keith's arm, but that arm was weird and he could dislocate it, so he pulled out.

The guy still gets his waist and pretty much pile drives him onto the floor. Luckily he dropped him right by where he threw down all of his stuff for the next class and by the time the guy is on top of him and lands a punch or two, Keith grabs this big ass textbook and WHAM, brings it right down on Avery's head. It dazed him for a second and Keith could have tried to get free, but he didn't. He just starts swingin, punching as hard as he could anywhere he could, and Keith had a mouth on him from day one so he's sayin shit that my polite upbringing would never let me repeat.

FINALLY a teacher breaks it up. Keith has one of his adult teeth knocked out of his face and his nose and mouth are bleedin, but he gets up, goes right to me and helps me to my feet. The guy never thought of himself. He just says, "Come on, Ellis. We're gonna need to get you to a hospital." I told him that I had a feelin my arm was broke, but I think he knew that already.

For some stupid reason, we all got suspended for three days for fightin. My mom was one of the nurses that helped set my arm and that HURT. It felt worse than breakin it. Keith's nose was broke, but he was in with me tryin to be supportive. I guess seein me yellin in pain and drivin me home (illegally) -with one of those crazy casts that won't let me move my arm at all cause the cast is stuck in this real uncomfortable tight sling that makes me look like a bird with a busted wing- really got to him.

That night, he had his broken tooth in his hand and asks, "Hey El, do you think this counts for the tooth fairy even if it aint a baby tooth?"

I said, "Yeah, buddy. I think it does." And when he was asleep that night, I took his broken tooth and put one of those Sacajawea dollars under his pillow. He loved those things. He always did talk about how paper money shouldn't exist and we should all have to pay for stuff with shiny gold coins like in the old days.

The next time he saw that jerk, Keith was ready. He managed to be sneaky and spent the whole week building up for his revenge, which ended up being a collection of dog crap that he dumped into the open window of the guy's car, on the windshield, under the door handles, in the tailpipe. It was a lot of crap and there wasn't shit Avery could do about it because my mom pressed charges for what he done to me and his parents were not lookin for him to get into any more trouble for harmin another kid.

Keith waited, too. He waited for Avery to come out of the school and see what he did to the car and he yelled, "Now your shitty car matches your worth as a human being, ya piece of shit!"


	27. Chapter 27

Time frame: Keith and Ellis are 16

POV: Ellis

Main event: Keith gets a drill bit stuck in his ear.

* * *

Did I ever tell you about the time that Keith got a drill bit stuck in his ear?

Well, he didn't really stick it in there, but I'll get to that part. When we were both sixteen, Keith went to a guy we both know and got his tongue pierced, even though I told him that if his dad seen it he would get real mad. Keith's dad, like I said, was "old-fashioned" and he swore up and down that any man that got his tongue pierced did it to…satisfy other guys to say it as best I can.

Now even though Keith was datin this really gorgeous half-black half-Chinese girl at the time –which Keith's dad also had some negative shit to say about- he found out about the tongue ring two days later and beat my buddy's ass bad. There wasn't nothin I could do to stop it either because I wasn't there. Usually I'm able to stem his rage attacks a little by distractin him with somethin else.

Keith called me all urgent on the phone and told me he was walkin up the street and to come get him in my truck. So I did. He had blood all down one side of his shirt, but otherwise he was just banged up. I asked what happened and he turned his head to show me a big ass drill bit stuck in the cartilage of his ear.

So, we did the natural thing, went to my mom when she got home from work to have her take it out. Now, we coulda gone when she was at work, being that she worked at the damn hospital but if we did that, she would have had to report it. So mom doctored him up and we had a laugh about it later. I was like, "Hey buddy, it's not all bad. At least I talked ya out of gettin your guy parts pierced. That woulda hurt worse, right?"

He said, "You didn't talk me out of it, El. The guy at the shop said it was just too damn huge and he didn't have a needle that could withstand the sheer girth of my hog."

That's true…the guy did actually say that. Keith is a complete freak. I still sometimes wake up with the image of him and the shop guy…measurin stuff and it makes me scream until I realize I'm awake and safe.

* * *

Note: I'm also contemplating doing another version of "Did I Ever Tell You" Yay or Nay on whether any of you are interested in DIETY from Nick's perspective, cataloging some of the god-awful and sometimes funny moments of his life?


	28. Chapter 28

Time Frame: One year before the outbreak

POV: Ellis

Main event: Keith to the rescue

* * *

Did I ever tell you guys about when Keith saved a girl from gettin mugged? This isn't so much a funny story as it is pretty scary. It was funny at the end, but at the time it scared me to the bone.

See, we were out drinkin, like we did when we were off work on the weekends. It was right around Halloween, so it was cold but not below zero. It never gets that cold around here.

Now, the bar we went to pretty often had an alley between it and another building. There was dumpsters and stuff back there and it went back quite a ways, but if you traveled that alley for two blocks, the other end opened up to a shortcut to a place with a bunch of apartments. I didn't go in there at night, but it was pretty safe in the daytime.

So we're leavin the bar, right. We're both too drunk to drive so my mom comes to get us home after work. We're on our way through the parking lot, and Keith stops. I'm about to say, "what" but he holds up a hand to get me to be quiet. He starts lookin around and he's actin weird. I don't hear anything but I don't doubt that he does. Keith has the hearin of a bat. Then I start to hear a hushed man's voice comin from that alley.

"Hold my beer and go get in the car, Ellis." Keith tells me, with his eyes locked on the darkness between the buildings. I do what he says and he makes a B-line for the alley. My mom is confused just like I am and we can't see a thing in there. He's gone for about three minutes and I'm about to go after him and he comes out. He's leadin a girl out of the alley and has his coat wrapped around her. She looks shook up and he asks my ma if we can give her a ride to the police station.

When he gets in the car and the light comes on, I can see the girl's face. She looks like she been cryin on account of the makeup all over her face. I can also see that my buddy has blood on his hands and shirt. I freak out right away and I'm like, "Keith, what the hell did you do?!"

Him and the girl go into the police station and I still have no idea what's up but he tells me he'll talk to me tomorrow and my mom takes me home. I don't sleep all night.

The next day, he's at my house before the sun comes up and he tells me what happened.

He heard the noises and when he ran into the alley, he said that he was on autopilot. He seen a plank of wood and grabbed it up, because he sees the shadowy figures of a guy and girl. He just got there in time to see the guy throw somethin onto the ground (turned out to be her handbag that he just took all her money out of) and he starts puttin his hands on her. So, Keith swung the board as hard as he could and knocked the guy dizzy before jumpin on him. He beat the guy unconscious, which is funny on account of him not havin full fists on either hand), and the he took the guy's wallet out of his pocket and took his ID out, threw the rest in the dumpster, and offered to help the girl get to safety.

He told the cops what happened and with the girl bein a witness, he didn't face any assault charges. He gave the cops the guy's ID so they could find him and the girl got to go home to her husband and daughter without bein the victim of any more than a robbery. And apparently she learned to take the damn long route home rather than shady shortcuts.

Turns out when they hunted the guy down, he was already wanted for "several assaults on women and girls as young as 12."

So in all, happy endin, but I thought for sure he killed a person back there on account of the blood. He's a good guy, through and through.


	29. Chapter 29

Time Frame: Keith is 21

POV: Ellis

Main event: Keith gets a house, and then loses it.

* * *

Did I ever tell you about the time Keith's grandpa died and left him a house?

Before you get excited for him, he didn't get to keep the house for more than one day, but the story behind it was great.

See, his granddad passed away and he was the ONLY member of Keith's family that loved him, so it crushed the guy hard. Keith's grandpa was who taught him how to be a man, cause his dad sure didn't. Keith's granddad was his mother's dad. Never approved of the relationship she allowed her husband to have with Keith. He always said, "Maryanne, I didn't raise you to love someone what treats his own little boy like shit."

When he passed away, he left his home in Iowa to Keith in his will. So the guy goes to the funeral and he planned to make arrangements for having someone look after his house, since he didn't plan on movin to Iowa. He was lookin at makin the house more of a "summer" home. I woulda gone to the funeral with him, but I had to fill in his shift at work so he could go on account of how busy we were that whole month.

So he goes and he didn't bother to check the news, I guess thinkin that he was only gonna be gone for three days. He couldn't have arrived at a worse time. A tornado was expected, and the day after the funeral, it delivered, rippin apart houses and shit all over the place.

Keith notices that a bunch of people didn't leave so he goes down the street, knockin on every door he can see and invites people to come stay in his granddad's basement until the tornado is over. I guess people didn't figure it was gonna get so serious, which is why they stayed home in the first place, but they all agreed. He got 12 people into the basement before the tornado crossed down that street.

EVERY. HOUSE. Was destroyed on that street.

I mean every house.

When the tornado was over, Keith opened the basement door into daylight. The house all around the door was torn to hell. He had that nice house of his granddad's for two days before it was ripped apart. I mean this thing was beyond repair. Even the foundation got tore up. The only thing that survived was the industrial strength toilet, sittin in the middle of the wreckage.

The neighbors all lost their homes too.

I woulda been pissed had it been my house, but Keith just laughed it off and blamed bad luck. I wouldn't have believed it but he was on the news, tellin the reporter that the house didn't matter, because he just felt so damn good that none of those people got killed (which they would have if they stayed at home).

This story did have a silver lining. Being that the house was technically his, the insurance had a hefty pay-out and Keith was able to take care of some of his debt, made 100% due to hospital bills.


	30. Chapter 30

Time Frame: In the late 1980s

POV: Ellis

Main Event: Keith's mom is a crazy lady

* * *

Did I ever tell you guys about the time Keith's mom killed a guy?

I guess this isn't really a Keith story, but he was growin in his mom's uterus at the time, so I guess he's kinda in this story. Maybe havin such a crazy little guy sharin her heart and organs made her turn into Shooty McGee. But here's what happened.

Maryanne was home one night while her husband was workin a late shift. She was just finishin up with the kitchen and she heard a noise from the back door. I think that's where he got his excellent hearin, because she could hear him comin up with a stupid idea before he could even get done whisperin it to the guys all the way down the yard.

Anyway, she went to see what was goin on and saw a guy tryin to open up the back door. It didn't budge so he went around and tried the front. After several minutes of this asshole tryin to open windows and doors, Maryanne figured he wasn't goin to go away. Eventually he pulled a knife out of his belt and started pryin at the back door.

So Maryanne got all her kids and put them in the back bedroom, and told them to hide in her closet. There was four of them, Mindy was the oldest at 6, then Jeffrey at 4, Kylie at 3 and then Paul who was just a toddler. She told her oldest kid to keep the rest of them quiet, and then went back down the hall with Keith's dad's handgun, an old ass revolver that he got from his dad, and his dad got from his dad. They called it the Family Gun.

She got to the back door just as the guy got it opened and he still had his knife in his hand when he stepped into the house. She pointed the gun at him and told him to get out of her house, but he must not have believed that a heavily pregnant woman was gonna use the gun or even knew how because he still came after her.

So she emptied the gun into the guy. It was a 6-shooter and she shot all 6 rounds. None of them missed. Right away she called 911 and the cops came but the dead people examiner guy said she killed him before he hit the floor, because the first bullet went right through the guy's heart. The other 5 would have been devastatin had he lived long enough to feel them.

Now, in the great state of Georgia, we have a Stand Your Ground law so Maryanne was never arrested and never faced any charges. The stress of the whole thing sent her into labor 3 months early. My mom was pregnant with me at the time, but only 3 months, which is almost exactly how long my dad had been overseas. She was actually still waitin for a letter back after she wrote to him to tell him the "news" of expectin me after a particularly romantic 2 weeks on leave that he had before havin to ship out again. Even though my mom was busy with school and work, she still was nice enough to keep an eye on the other kids for Keith's mom, and try to clean up the blood in the hall.

They were real close friends. My mom was 23 when she had me, and here's the kicker, she and Maryanne went to school together. They were the same age, meanin that she had all those kids by the time she was 23, before my mom even had one.


	31. Chapter 31

Time frame: One New Year's Eve

POV: Ellis

Main event: A fisticuffs

* * *

Did I ever tell you about the time that Keith's sister got arrested?

It was New Year's Eve and we were all at a big party havin a good time. This was during the period that Keith was still havin fits from being tear gassed. It was at the worst because it was only a couple months since the incident happened. He was still jerkin around pretty bad and on occasion, he'd drop stuff. It was still in the year that he'd scream himself awake and scare the bajeezus out of anyone that wasn't ready for it.

Anyway, everything was goin real good and all. I had a few beers and so did Keith. He was there with his girlfriend at the time, not Brandi, it was another girl he was seein while they were broken up. Her name was Vanessa. Anyway, she was dressed nice, and she asked Keith to get her another beer. He did and he had the beer bottle open for her, but he had a jerk real bad and some of her beer spilled on her shirt. She had been drinkin and was generally not a nice chick anyway, but she got mad and popped him in the mouth and yelled at him. It pissed me off right away, because he couldn't help the fact that he had that nerve damage.

Before I could say anything to her, Keith's sister Mindy saw what happened and she came over quick and confronted her, pushing her back a step. Vanessa decided it was a good idea to load Mindy in the face as hard as she could.

Now, Mindy was a tough girl, and even though Vanessa put a lot of force behind the punch, it didn't even stagger her. Didn't knock her even a step back. That girl could take a punch in the mouth better than a guy could.

This set her off and she proceeded to unleash Hell on Vanessa. Vanessa had a good 50lbs at least on Mindy. Mindy was a bag of bones, but she fought like she was on angel dust. She had Vanessa on the ground and was hammering her in the face, and she'd stop to yell:

"You like hittin people?"

Or

"You wanna hit my brother again, bitch?"

Before she'd continue punching her in the face. Vanessa was doing a piss poor job of defendin herself, but she was about knocked out by this point. Keith and his other sister were both yellin at Mindy to stop and Maryanne was like, "El, go get her."

I was worried about Mindy comin at me like a gorilla, but I scooped her up around her waist and pulled her up. I didn't get her up in time and she managed to land a hard ass kick into Vanessa's side.

There wasn't much I could do. Someone already called the cops to come arrest Mindy, so I just held onto her so she couldn't do anymore damage. Vanessa wasn't a threat. She was just groanin and rollin on the floor. Her face was a mess and her shirt now had blood and grass stains on it aside from just a splash of beer.

Mindy was arrested, and when she was being put in the car, she was like, "Keith, you better not be with that bitch by the time I get out."

Luckily she was datin an older rich guy at the time so I gave him a call bein that Keith and his family were all too busy yellin at each other and I was like, "Hey, Avery. Mindy got arrested and she's probably gonna be callin you to bail her out."

Her boyfriend bailed her out as soon as the police would let her leave. Keith dumped Vanessa that same day.


	32. Chapter 32

Time frame: When Ellis has gonorrhea

POV: Ellis

Main event: Keith's love for hitting jerks

* * *

Did I ever tell you guys about the time Keith beat up a protester at the Planned Parenthood?

Well, remember back when I got the clap when my ex-girlfriend cheated on me with Paul?

This story is related to that one.

So there I was, itchy and hopin to hell that I just got a bad rash, but my man parts were on fire and I was lookin for somethin this could be without havin to admit to myself that she was cheatin. But one day, Paul noticed my constant squirmin around and came clean, told me he slept with my girlfriend, and he'd just finished treatment for havin gonorrhea recently, and noted that I was probably havin such a bad problem because I now had the clap too.

I was in a real bad place after that. I was so mad at Paul and I broke up with my ex even though she kept insistin that it "wouldn't happen again" like that was supposed to help. Keith found out, beat up Paul and then treated me to a night out drinkin.

The next day, I told him I wanted to go get checked out but I was way too embarrassed to go to my normal doc. So Keith drives me to the Planned Parenthood office and for a minute I think he's messin with me. I start to tell him that this aint the time to joke but he tells me to go in. I didn't know at the time, but that office actually does stuff for guys too, for example STD testin and treatment.

Suddenly I'm scared to go in by myself cause there's a bunch of protesters outside so Keith bein his always helpful self walks me into the building and on our way in some guy shouts out,

"Hey, goin in to get an abortion, bitch?" Even though I was very clearly a guy.

I'm not in the mood so I'm just like, "yeah, asshole, I'm goin in to get an abortion."

This guy was real pissed off for some reason and starts yellin at me for bein a 'queer' and tellin me that his tax money shouldn't be payin for my 'AIDS'. Man, guy was real rude for bein a complete stranger.

I'm now way more shook up and Keith tells the guy to shut up, but the guy says several more real rude statements which I am not gonna repeat. Keith is usually polite but his patience ran out and he loads the guy right in the chops with all his weight behind the punch. The guy shuts up and hobbles off into the background, and even the other protesters don't seem to care that he's gone.

Meanwhile I end up bein okay, the doc gives me a prescription for the gonorrhea, which I paid for with my own damn money, thank you very much, jerk-protester.


	33. Chapter 33

Time frame: Ellis was 18, Keith was 19

Rating: T

Description: Keith almost dies by being a fool for the millionth time

* * *

Did I ever tell you about the time that Keith almost got shot for breaking into a house?

I mean, he almost got shot by _ME_ for breaking into _MY _house_._

I was home one night, and I had a really long day at work so instead of going out for a few beers I went home, ate some food and went right to bed. I was exhausted.

Suddenly I'm jerked out of a dead sleep by some sounds comin from the front room, and I was thinkin, "Shit, someone is in my house. I musta forgot to lock the front door."

So I jumped out of bed and grabbed my gun, pretty damn sure I was about three seconds from fightin off a tweaker. It was in the middle of summer so it stood to reason that someone was whacked out on meth, tryin to find some copper wire or somethin to take. At least my tired brain thought that was reasonable.

I headed into the hallway as quiet as I could and kept the lights off. I took a minute for my eyes to adjust before I turned the corner into the living room.

I could see the outline of a man by the door and I pointed the gun at him and yelled at him to get out and tried to reason with him. I said, "Man, don't make me shoot you!"

He started movin like he was thinkin of coming my way, doin the whole song and dance like he was limberin up, the "tweaker fighting stance" so I fired a warning shot above his head.

We were both startled by it and he made a dive toward me. At that point I realized that I didn't have it in me to kill a man, so I tossed the gun aside and tackled him onto the floor before he got to me.

I started going to town on this guy's face, just punchin him as hard as I could. I heard a bunch of things crunch under my fists.

Finally he says, "STOP IT, EL!"

I recognize the voice.

It's my idiot best friend.

I stopped hittin him and asked him what the hell his problem was, and why he was in my house in the middle of the night, why he didn't tell me right away that it was him.

He said, "I was scared shitless! You had a gun in my face."

I was hyperventilating because I almost killed my best friend.

I asked him what was so damn important that it couldn't wait til morning.

He said that the diner down the street from his house just put a sign in the window that offered a $1.00 stack of pancakes if you went in before 5:00am.

This whole thing was over pancakes.

This idiot almost got his face blown off over pancakes. I definitely broke his nose over pancakes.

So, somehow he convinced me to get dressed and we went and got some. He ate like 4 plates of them. Each stack had three.

The waitress was a little unnerved, because he was still sportin a bloody nose and busted lip and asked him what the hell happened to his face.

He says, "I invited this jerk to come get pancakes with me and this was the thanks I got."


End file.
